just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
