bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
