A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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