apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
