Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I want a musical about memes.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
