yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
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She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
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I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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