Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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