White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
