drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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