I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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