Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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