Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
