fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
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He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
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If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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