If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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