I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
