i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
