those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
