Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
