You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Randomize
