your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
