got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
