I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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