Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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