fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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