I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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