I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
