I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize