Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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