i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
