Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
