i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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