he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
