Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
