why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
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Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
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You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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