my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
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