I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
