No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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