I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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