Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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