be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
