How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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