it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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