I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
