my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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