You're my little dorito
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
