As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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