I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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