so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
