youre lurking in front of me
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
