She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
