he wants to bone in the snuggie
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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