I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
