When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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