I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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