Your dad touched me again.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
