omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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