Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
