I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
